Child-Inclusive Mediation
What is child-inclusive mediation?
Child-inclusive mediation is a specialised form of family mediation where the child’s experience, feelings and needs are brought into the mediation process in a protected and respectful way.
In some cases, the child meets separately with a trained child-inclusive mediator. The child is not asked who is right or wrong, and is never asked to choose between parents.
Instead, the child is given space to express what life feels like from their side. With the child’s agreement, the essence of their message is brought back to the parents carefully.
The child is not the decision-maker.
The child is the person who has to live with the decision.
A child’s voice is not the same as a child’s choice
Children have a recognised right to be heard in matters that affect them.
In family matters, this does not mean that children must decide. It means that their views, feelings and experiences should be taken seriously, in a way that is appropriate to their age and maturity.
Child-inclusive mediation offers a different setting from court: calmer, more relational and carefully prepared — not as evidence, not as a decision, but as guidance for parents who want to make better choices.
Children should not carry the decision, but their experience should help shape it.
Why it can help parents
Separation can make even loving parents focus on schedules, rights, holidays, school runs, messages and legal arrangements. These things matter. But behind every practical arrangement is a child who has to live with it.
Child-inclusive mediation helps parents pause and ask different questions:
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What is our child experiencing between two homes?
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What do they worry about but not say?
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Are they trying to protect one of us?
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What would help them feel more secure?
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What do they need from us, not as ex-partners, but as parents?
What children often need parents to understand
Every child is different. But many children in separation carry similar hopes.
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They want to love both parents without feeling guilty.
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They want transitions between homes to feel calmer.
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They want to stop being the messenger.
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They want adults to notice when they are tired of pretending to be fine.
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They want permission to miss one parent while being with the other.
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They want the conflict to become smaller than their childhood.
Sometimes children do not need a perfect arrangement. They need parents who can keep listening as their needs change.
How the process works
The process begins with the parents and only includes the child if it is appropriate, useful and emotionally safe.
We discuss the family situation, the questions being raised and the level of conflict.
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We assess whether child-inclusive mediation is safe and appropriate for this child.
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The child’s message is brought back sensitively, within the limits agreed with the child.
What child-inclusive mediation is — and what it is not
This is
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A safe way to hear the child
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A carefully prepared process
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A way to understand the child’s experience
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A support for better parental decisions
This is not
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A child choosing between parents
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Therapy or interrogation
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Evidence against a parent
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A way to prove who is right
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A process where the child carries the weight of the decision
When can child-inclusive mediation be helpful?
Child-inclusive mediation may be helpful when parents are separating, or already separated, and want to make arrangements that better reflect their child’s emotional reality.
It can be useful when parents are discussing living arrangements, the rhythm between two homes, holidays, school choices, communication between parents, contact with extended family, new partners, blended family situations or cross-border parenting arrangements.
It may also be helpful when a child seems withdrawn, angry, anxious, overly responsible or reluctant to have contact, or when parents feel stuck and want to better understand what their child may need.
Sometimes parents come because there is conflict. Sometimes they come because they want to prevent conflict. Both reasons are valid.
When is it not appropriate?
Child-inclusive mediation is not automatic. It must always be considered carefully.
There may be situations where speaking with the child is not appropriate, or where it should be postponed. This may be the case where there are serious safety concerns, pressure on the child, coercive dynamics, severe emotional distress, or a risk that the child’s words will be used against them afterwards.
The first responsibility of the mediator is not to include the child at any cost.
The first responsibility is to protect the child.
Questions parents often ask
No. The child is never asked to choose. Decisions remain the responsibility of the parents.
There is no automatic age. It depends on the child’s maturity, the family situation and whether the process can be emotionally safe and useful.
Not necessarily. The child’s message is shared carefully and only within agreed limits, so the child can feel safe and respected.
This can happen. The purpose is not to blame either parent, but to help both parents understand what their child may need.
Child-inclusive mediation is not designed to gather evidence. It is a confidential and carefully prepared mediation process focused on understanding the child’s experience.
No. If there are safety concerns, pressure on the child or a risk that the child’s words will be misused, the process may not be appropriate.
My approach
As a child-inclusive family mediator and lawyer, I work at the intersection of law, conflict and the emotional life of children.
I understand that parents need clarity. I understand that legal arrangements matter. But I also know that a technically correct agreement is not always an emotionally safe agreement for a child.
My work is to help parents move from reaction to reflection.
From “What am I entitled to?”
to “What does our child need from us now?”
From “How do I protect my position?”
to “How do we protect our child from our conflict?”
I do not ask children to take sides. I help parents stand on the same side again: the side of their child.
My work in child-inclusive mediation is shaped by specialist training with Lisa Parkinson, one of the internationally recognised pioneers in family mediation and child-inclusive practice.
Beyond my own training, I have also had the privilege of working personally with Lisa Parkinson to organise child-inclusive mediation training sessions for mediators and other professionals. This has deepened my conviction that children’s voices must be included with great care, structure and ethical responsibility.
For Mediators & Professionals
Specialist involvement within an existing mediation process
Child-inclusive mediation can also be integrated into an existing mediation process.
If you are a mediator, lawyer or family professional already working with parents, you can involve me specifically for the child-inclusive part of the process. In that role, I do not take over the mediation.
My involvement is limited to assessing whether it is appropriate to meet with the child, preparing the process carefully, speaking with the child if suitable, and bringing the child’s message back in a protected and respectful way.
After the feedback has been given, my involvement ends and the parents continue their mediation process with their own mediator.
This allows children’s voices to be included with specialist care, while preserving the trust and continuity of the mediation process already in place.
Specialist child-inclusive input
Clear feedback to the parents
No takeover of the existing mediation
Involvement ends after the child-inclusive part
Professional question
Yes. Other mediators and family professionals can involve me specifically for the child-inclusive part of an existing mediation process.
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My role is clearly limited. I assess and prepare the process, meet with the child if appropriate, and provide feedback in a careful and protected way. After that, my involvement ends and the mediation continues with the original mediator.
A different kind of separation
Child-inclusive mediation is for parents who are willing to ask a brave question:
“What is this like for our child?”
Not every answer will be easy to hear. But sometimes the most healing moment in a separation is the moment parents stop arguing about the child and start listening to the child.
Your child does not need to carry your separation.
But they may need a safe way to be heard.
If you are considering child-inclusive mediation and would like to know whether it may be suitable for your family or mediation process, you are welcome to contact me for an initial conversation.